


Mind like a deadly disease

by tinuvhiel



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, but also fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:46:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6220552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinuvhiel/pseuds/tinuvhiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Damen's wound has been tended and he has woken up from his rest, Laurent confronts him about what happened at the Kingsmeet. Damen listens, and soothes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mind like a deadly disease

After the bells had rang, there was no immediate coronation. Damen, wounded where his own brother's sword had passed through him, had been brought to Paschal, half-carried by Nikandros and some other soldiers, Laurent following them.

Paschal had ordered him to bed rest for at least a week before he could proceed with the coronation ceremony. Damen had accepted for one reason only: he wanted to walk to the throne on his own feet, without anyone helping him. And, because Laurent had burned holes into his skull with his eyes when he had tried to protest. After all, he didn't really have the will to fight it back, to rise immediately and take the throne: it was not just the physical pain, he needed time. Time to process what had happened at the trial, and then, with Kastor. He wanted the time to think about everything that had been stolen from him when he had been made a slave. But after Paschal finished patching his wound, he immediately fell asleep.

 

-

 

When he woke up, a servant informed him he had slept for almost two days.

Damen felt regenerated. His wound hurt, but he had endured worse. What was paining him now was not the wound, but who inflicted it. Now there was time to think, and to suffer, and Damen spent two good hours mourning his brother's death in silence.

Kastor had been by his side for almost all of his life, and Damen couldn't reconcile the boy who had grown up with him with the man who forced him into a slave, killed his father, stole his kingdom and almost killed him, too. They were two different people in his mind. He remembered Jord’s words: _You think there were two of him? Because there weren’t. There was only ever one, and looked what happened to him._

He was so lost in his own thoughts he almost didn't hear someone entering the room. But then he heard the doors closing, and a voice:

"I was told you had woken up. It's a pity. I asked Paschal to knock you down again so you wouldn't leave your bed, but he refused to", said Laurent.

Damen turned his head and took him in. He was fully covered in Veretian clothing again, and was wearing his golden circlet on his head. He also had a fainting bruise on his cheek, and a look in his eyes that Damen classified as half weary and half happy.

"Well", said Damen, "there are other methods to keep me in bed.” Laurent let out a small breath of laughter.

"I'm fairly certain that is not the best way to heal a wound,” he said.

Damen could see he was hesitating, so he said, "Come here".

Laurent came. Damen half-expected him to sit on the edge of the bed, but instead he lied down next to him, watching him: “I'm sorry", said Laurent, "for your brother.”

Damen wondered at the absurdity of the situation. He felt like they had switched places. "My brother was another man, not the one you killed. He died a long time ago. I don't blame you for that. It had to be done, and I couldn't,” he said, with honesty, still incapable to reconcile Kastor’s actions to the man he had known, and felt some of the tension leave Laurent's body.

They laid in silence for a while. Laurent was still tense. "We can talk about what happened,” said Damen, "If you want.” He looked at Laurent. He had his eyes on the ceiling, unfocused. "There is not much to say," he said quietly after a while. Then he added, "I told you, at thirteen you could have led me around by the nose.”

Damen felt like something was smashing his chest. He had meant to talk about Kastor, about Laurent's father, but the edge he was hearing in Laurent's voice suggested they were not going to talk about that.

He stayed silent for a while, until murmuring, "You were a child.”

Laurent looked at him with a cold stare. "I know that very well," he said in a hard voice. He was still lying beside him, but Damen felt like he was ready to flee at any given moment. He realized he hadn't took what happened at the Kingsmeet into consideration when thinking about his future with Laurent, hadn't thought about the fact that Laurent had wanted him to go away when he understood what the Regent was going to say. That Laurent hadn't wanted him to know.

He looked at him, eyes back on the ceiling, mouth in a hard line. He moved a hand towards the centre of the bed, so that Laurent could see it coming and remove his own hand if he wanted to. He didn't. Holding Laurent's hand felt right, and tender, and unbelievable, just as it had felt when Laurent had locked his wrist to a chain and killed his brother.

"I didn't mean it like that. You had just lost your family, and you were a child," said Damen.

Laurent breathed out. "I was thirteen, almost fourteen," he said, "Not so much of a child. At least in my mind. But I have always looked younger than my age. Perhaps it will become an advantage as time passes.”

Damen looked at him. When he wasn't holding himself Laurent looked, in fact, very young. He thought of Nicaise, scared of becoming fourteen, and then of the keeper at Acquitart: _he and his uncle came here a great deal together, in the year or two after Marlas_. It most probably meant the Laurent had been subjected to his uncle's desires until he was fifteen or sixteen; it also meant that Laurent did in fact look younger than his age, or that his beauty had stopped the Regent from searching someone else for a longer time than usual.

"Still,” said Damen, "you are not to blame for your uncle's perversions. But you do know that. I just wish it would have gone differently."

Laurent stayed silent. His breath was heavier than usual, and he was very pale. Realization hit.

"You", said Damen, slowly, "think it was your fault.”

Laurent’s chest heaved. "You have heard,” said Laurent, pushing the words out, "what he said. At the Kingsmeet. I did not - I did not try to stop... what was happening.”

Damen didn't know what to say. He couldn't pretend to understand what Laurent felt then and was feeling now. Part of him wanted to reassure him, hold him tight and tell him that it wasn't his fault in the slightest; the other part of him felt that Laurent would have just coldly stared at him if he tried to say something like that. Laurent was waiting for him to speak.

He said: "You should have never had to push him away to begin with, but-" he tried to go on, but Laurent cut him off. He pushed himself up in a sitting position, and his eyes were glittering, like when he was about to burst into rage and hit something. Or someone. Damen thought - _he could hit me. I would let him, and then I would soothe him in my arms_. But it was never that easy with Laurent. Damen expected him to insult him, vanish his attempt to help him by saying, in his own jagged and hurting way; that he would never understand.

But Laurent said: "I encouraged him. I continuously asked him to stay in my rooms at night. To sleep with me. I- I didn't want to be left alone. He was... the only one there. When he..." 

Laurent was silent for a while. He looked like he was about to go on, his mouth opened and closed several times, like he was trying to force the words out of it.

"You don't have to say it,” said Damen, "Laurent. Look at me.” Laurent looked at him. His eyes didn't show anything. Damen suddenly remembered his emotionless gaze at the Kingsmeet, and how terrible it had felt.

"After he fucked me for the first time", said Laurent, "I didn't push him away. I kept going back to him. Did you think he forced me? You are not the first I willingly spread my legs for.”

Damen’s fist was curled in the sheets. He forced himself to not do anything stupid, to not upset Laurent more than he clearly already was. He knew what Laurent was trying to do - that he was trying to anger him, so that he could direct his own anger against someone else. He took a steadying breath.

“I still don’t think you had much of a choice,” said Damen, slowly.

Laurent still had that emotionless look in his eyes. “You would like that, wouldn’t you? Always so honorable; incapable of seeing what’s right in front of you. Were you looking forward to show me how being fucked can be? To instruct me on how to act in bed? I can assure you, I already know. No one kicked my legs apart. I trust this will be reassuring, I know the idea disgusts you,” said Laurent in a numbed voice.

Damen felt like he was going to be sick. Even if Laurent’s eyes didn’t let anything transpire, he could hear his jagged breath and he was sure that his pulse would have been rabbit-fast if he could just touch him. He knew he couldn't; Laurent would have flinched, or endured a touch he didn't want. Damen tried to control himself, and to not get up, either to try to comfort Laurent or to go to the dungeons to fulfill the promise he had made at the Kingsmeet: _I will be the last thing that you see_.

Instead, he said: "You won't push me away. You can keep going on with this self-deprecation, if it makes you feel better, but I won't go away. I will never be disgusted by you. So if that's your purpose, you can just stop talking.” Laurent, who was looking away, suddenly turned his gaze to him, studying him. Damen let his face be open and honest, raw with all the emotions he was feeling.

When Laurent spoke again, his voice was not as it had sounded before. It was both controlled, and about to break. He said: "I know it was not my fault. I've lived in Arles for all my life, and seen my uncle take boy after boy. I'm not Aimeric. I let him do, yes, because he put on a façade, and deceived me into thinking of… what was happening… as the only form of consolation I could have. I know it was not my fault”, he repeated, “But there are... there are some things I cannot control".

Damen's heart was aching. It was the first time since Ravenel that he heard Laurent say something like this. He remembered a pained look, and a raw admission: _I can’t. I can’t think_.

Like last time, he said, softly: "I know.” He tried to push himself up so he could face Laurent, but it took a great effort and Laurent was already gesturing him down. "Don't move,” said Laurent.  
And then he was hovering over Damen, hands and knees on either side of his body. Damen looked him in the eyes, now filled with emotion. He lifted a hand, slowly, and caressed Laurent's cheek. Laurent let out a small breath, not quite a sigh.

"I want you to know,” said Damen, "that what I said at the trial was true. And that nothing could change what I think of you.” Laurent had his eyes closed. Damen remembered him turning his face away at Karthas, his quiet admission. He stroked Laurent's cheek: "Please. You don't have to defend yourself against this.” Laurent opened his eyes again, a surprised quality in their deep blue, and also something that was new to Damen, that looked like tenderness.

"I know that now,” said Laurent, and then the fall of his pale hair was around Damen's face like a curtain, and Laurent's lips were on his. It was tender, and deep, and beautiful, and Damen wondered if it was going to be like this forever, always with this feeling of aching affection and love smashing through his chest.

Laurent's kiss was still uncertain, but Damen let him set the pace. It was incredibly sweet, and Damen ached to hold Laurent in his arms. Laurent detached himself from the kiss. He looked very young.

"Thank you,” said Laurent, "Damianos."

It was too much. Damen felt something wet on his cheek, and then Laurent's fingers: "You’re crying,” he said, sounding surprised.

Damen was surprised too. He hadn't cried since his father had last spoken to him from his sickbed. He didn't answer, he just pushed Laurent down in his arms, so that now he was draped over him like a blanket.

Laurent started saying: "Your wound-" but he didn't care. He just wanted to be enveloped by Laurent's body heat, and to hold him tight, so he shut him up with a kiss. Laurent quieted. Damen said: "I will be forever grateful that I have you here.”

Laurent kissed him again, and again, and again. They stayed wrapped together for what felt like hours, simply kissing.

Then, Laurent's breath steadied, and when he looked at him Damen realized he had - impossibly, wonderfully - fallen asleep on him. He kissed his forehead, and held him tight. He closed his eyes, and as sleep was taking him, he thought: Laurent alongside him for all the span of his days; safe, in his arms. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! First of all, thanks to @ARTMAMI, who beta-ed this fic, and to @lamenbabe, who checked it for language mistakes. I'm so happy to be finally posting something in the cp tag. I absolutely adore this book. I chose to write this fic because I think that even after Kings Rising, Laurent's past was still something that needed to be solved between him and Damen, and because I wanted to explore Laurent's emotions on the matter. I hope I have done a good job of portraying both what Laurent feels and what he rationally gets to understand. Abuse is obviously a very difficult theme to write about so please let me know if you find something offensive in any way. Also, if you just want to talk about cp, I'm @tinuvhiel on twitter and I will be glad to chat about these amazing books with everyone who would want to do so!
> 
> PS: i've been warned that it may look like Laurent intentionally seduced the Regent when he was a child. That is not at all what I meant, and i'm sorry if it came off this way or if i made anyone feel uncomfortable. what i tried to display in the fic is Laurent's distorted perception of what happened, but also what he rationally comes to understand. i do not in anyway condone pedophilia or any kind of abuse.


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